Hawking
God, A Young Woman's Ordeal in Jews for Jesus
A book
published by the Sapphire Press
By Ellen Kamentsky
Now I have to rebuild myself and become the woman that God wants
me to be.
Yossi assured me that God would use Jews for Jesus to transform
me. A good missionary, he explained, must be talk orientated,
teachable and team oriented. There was no room for self-serving
behavior.
The nightmare continued with lesson #1, "How to Get along
with Heidi." Heidi read her notes; I copied the following
lecture:
If something goes wrong, tell Heidi. Do not let Heidi hear it
from someone else.
It's okay to make mistakes. That's how we learn. Do things Heidi's
way. Admit it, don't make excuses or try to justify yourself.
It's my responsibility to ASK.
Ask Heidi not someone else.
Erase what you have learned in other branches.
Keep perspective on what is real. Tell Heidi the problems you
need to deal with.
I listened,
accepted, recorded and memorized her words - I underwent mind
control. Old thoughts were systematically replaced my new thoughts,
old friends by new friends and my old environment by a new one.
My behavior, thoughts, emotions, and access to information were
all controlled by Jews for Jesus.
There were no torture chambers, no food deprivation, no thumb
screws or flagellation. I was free to walk about the cordial
office filled with sunshine and snacks. The executors of reform
were my friends. I trusted them and responded favorably to treatment
by passing exams, assimilating material, following directions,
and ceasing to think for myself. In the rotting gray matter,
dogma spread like bacteria.
All abuse appeared to come from outsiders. Inside the group
I felt safe. Beyond the confines of the Jews for Jesus, nonbelievers
were waiting to crush me (especially my family who, I believed,
was controlled by Satan).
Persecution united us. The Worker's Covenant, a document outlining
our conduct. By signing the covenant, I agreed to follow the
rules which bound and affected nearly every facet of my life.
"I feel the liberty of the Holy Spirit to enter into this
colaborating [sic] relationship with Jews for Jesus, understanding
that our purpose is to serve God through the preaching of the
Gospel," the document read. "I do so in obedience
to the Lord, recognizing that part of my responsibility to God
is to do the work of Jews for Jesus."
The precept made separating my relationship with God from my
commitment to Jews for Jesus difficult. In my mind, leaving
Jews for Jesus was tantamount to leaving God. In addition, the
document reinforced the need to obey.
"I agree to accept, in humility, those duties that are
assigned by the duly appointed leaders of Jews for Jesus. I
agree to accept whatsoever assignment is made for each term
of service with the understanding that reassignments and adjustments
in assignment may be made at the discretion of the executive
director of Jews for Jesus," the covenant read.
Like parents wishing to raise a child with consistency, Jews
for Jesus had me respond to one authority figure, Heidi. I received
Heidi'' discipline, humbly accepting that correction would further
my ministry.
I was
particularly vulnerable to mind control because I desperately
wanted to please my supervisors. When I asked Heidi how I was
doing, she accused me of fishing for compliments and told me
to seek affirmation from God. "You don't deserve praise
for just doing your job," she said, reminding me how privileged
I was to work for Jews for Jesus. At other times she lavished
me with praise and told me how much she loved me.
I told Heidi everything, and she told me what to do. She know
my physical and mental whereabouts, my thoughts, my dreams,
my fears. She discovered my weaknesses. She controlled and molded
me. She made my life miserable. She was my friend. I feared
and loved her.
I was told not to discuss "the work" with anyone else
and was assured that friends and co-workers would report me
if I disobeyed. "Everyone goes through training,"
Heidi explained. "The rules are necessary."
Heidi kept me too busy to think. I ran after her like a puppy
amazed that someone so short walked so quickly. I followed her
on stories, visits and church meetings. I became a ventriloquist's
dummy, repeating the words she fed me and soon mimicked her
behavior without strings.
At least in New York and Boston I could talk to others and had
some time to myself. Now conversation stopped at Heidi. I had
little freedom. Deprived of external information and inner reflection,
my mind atrophied.
According to Robert J. Lifton, an expert on mind control and
the author of Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism:
The most basic feature of the thought reform environment, the
psychological current upon which all else depends, is the control
of human communication. Through this milieu control [control
of a person's surroundings by group practices, isolation from
people outside the group, geographical distancing, physical
or psychological pressure] the totalist environment seeks to
establish domain over not only the individual's communication
with the outside (all that he sees and hears, reads, writes,
experiences, and expresses), but also - in its penetration of
his inner life - over what we may speak of as his communication
with himself. It creates an atmosphere uncomfortably reminiscent
of George Orwell's 1984.
I stopped thinking my own thoughts and lost the ability to make
decisions. The group stepped in and made decisions for me. Aside
from minor tasks, such as grocery shopping and picking up dry
cleaning, Jews for Jesus dictated most of my behavior. They
told me how to handle my parents, what to say to contacts, and
how to act in church. The little autonomy left reassured my
that I was in control of my life.
"We are not a cult, we are not a cult," the other
singles and I would joke. After all, we lived alone, were paid,
owned cars, dressed nicely, and subsisted on more than brown
rice. During campaign training we were even taught how to recognize
and deal with cults. I felt sorry for the Moonies and Kirshnas
I saw on the streets of L.A. We all claimed to know the truth.
The truth was we were all under mind control.
Although I didn't live in a communal environment, like most
of the Moonies and Krishnas, most of my time was regulated.
Heidi chose rest period. I usually napped or ministered to dirty
dishes and laundry. I desperately needed to take care of personal
matters, but I felt guilty about attending to my affairs. Whether
I was trying to relax, pay bills or buy food, I felt I should
have been doing evangelism. I wrote in my diary early in April.
Today I wasn't a missionary. I woke up, figured out my taxes,
read the paper, watched T.V., went shopping. My day of rest
counted for nothing. It made me see how easily one can get pulled
away from what's real, what's eternal. O Lord, don't ever let
the distractions and pleasures of the world overwhelm me.
If guilt wasn't a strong enough governess, Jews for Jesus provided
me with standards to regulate my life. The Worker's Covenant
dictated codes for appearance, finances, dating, marriage and
family life.
I agreed to "avoid questionable forms of amusement"
and "notify my supervisor, in writing, of debts incurred
in amounts greater than two months' living allowances."
I didn't need relationship guidelines because I almost never
dated. I equated dating with the death of my ministry because
marriage and ministry were compatible only with a man connected
to Jews for Jesus. Fortunately suitors were sparse, so I stayed
single. If I had married, leaving the group might have been
impossible.
Of course if I wanted to date, the Worker's Covenant provided
me with guidelines. I did not need permission to date, but the
guidelines read, "dating and courting couples should not
entertain one another alone or in their respective places of
residence." I was advised to seriously consider the possible
consequences of dating a nonstaff person and forbidden to date
a nonbeliever.
"Since it is the nature of the ministry to pervade one's
whole life, the wise worker will seek a mate who, by temperament,
and spirituality, is suited to a ministry commitment,"
the covenant read. "It should not be presumed that courtship
and marriage are only personal affairs…Those planning to
stay with the ministry must seek counsel and secure consent
of their courtship from those in authority."
While most women my age dated, I resigned myself to a life of
loneliness and celibacy. In three years, I went on two or three
dates - not at all normal behavior for a woman in her mid-twenties.
I believed suffering and singleness were the cost of serving
God.
"It is a privilege to serve God," I wrote in my journal.
"He can use anyone or anything He wants. I relish tomorrow
knowing that God may give me an opportunity to change eternity."
Eternity stayed the same - I became depressed. Fatigue, lack
of sleep and poor eating habits exacerbated my condition. I
blamed the Devil. "The enemy is trying to get to me,"
I wrote. "I was feeling good about my job, and a few hours
later I was feeling lousy. Satan is trying to get his foot in
the door so I get discouraged. I won't let him do it. I'll seek
God all the harder. I will not be defeated."
My mood swings resembled a cardiogram. One minute I was swinging
from Heaven closer to God than Gabriel. The next minute I could
be praying for Jesus to return so that I wouldn't have to go
on. The changes in temperament were scary and nothing, not even
prayer, helped.
"It's hard to know what's real and what's not real,"
I wrote. "My mood fluctuates so mush it's a wonder I haven't
driven myself bonkers."
If God loved me so much, why was I so miserable?
[This excerpt was published with the permission of Sapphire Press.]
Published
by: Sapphire Press
Publisher's web site: http://www.sapphirepress.com/hawking/
Printed
in the United States of America.
